THE SCENE

Chicago, Illinois. The LATE 1920S.


ACT ONE

ANNOUNCER:
Welcome. Ladies and Gentlemen, you are about to see a story of
murder, greed, corruption, violence, exploitation, adultery,
and treachery - all those things we all hold near and dear to
our hearts. Thank you.

1.OVERTURE

OVERTURE
(Instrumental)


2.ALL THAT JAZZ

Velma:
Come on, Babe
Why don't we paint the town?
And All That Jazz

I'm gonna rouge my knees
And roll my stockings down
And All That Jazz.

Start the car
I know a whoopee spot
Where the gin is cold
but the piano's hot
It's just a noisy hall
Where there's a nightly brawl
And All
That
Jazz!

[Dance break]

Slick your hair
And wear your buckle shoes
And All That Jazz!

I hear that father dip
Is gonna blow the blues
And All That Jazz

Hold on, hon
We're gonna bunny hug
I bought some Aspirin
Down at United Drug

In case you shake apart
And want a brand-new start
To do that -

Velma & Company:
Jazz!

Company:
Skidoo!

Velma:
And All That Jazz

Company:
Hotcha!
Whoopee!

Velma:
And All That Jazz

Company:
Hah! Hah! Hah!

Velma:
It's just a noisy hall
Where there's a nightly brawl

All:
And all that Jazz

(Fred Casely and Roxie Hart enter)

Fred:
Listen, your husband ain't home, is he?
Velma:
No, her husband is not at home!
Find a flask
We're playing fast and loose

Company:
And All That Jazz!

Velma:
Right up here
Is where I store the juice

Company:
And All That Jazz!

Velma:
Come on babe
We're gonna brush the sky
I bet you lucky Lindy
Never flew so high
'Cause in the stratosphere
How could he lend an ear
To All That Jazz

Company:
Oh, you're gonna see her sheba shimmy shake

Velma:
And All That Jazz!

Company:
Oh, she's gonna shimmy till her garters break

Velma:
And All That Jazz

Company:
Show her where to park her girdle
Oh, her mother's blood is curdle
If she'd hear
Her baby's queer
For All That Jazz!

Velma: Company:
And All That Jazz!
Come on, Babe Oh, you're gonna see
Why don't we paint Your
The town? Sheba
And All That Jazz Shimmy shake
And All That Jazz!

I'm gonna Oh,
Rouge my knees She's gonna shimmy
And roll my 'Till her garters
Stockings down Break
And All That Jazz And All That Jazz

Start the car Show her where to
I know a whoopee spot Park her girdle
Where the gin is cold Oh, her mother's blood'd
But the piano's hot. Curdle
It's just a noisy hall If she'd hear
Where there's a nightly brawl Her baby's queer
And All That Jazz! For All That Jazz!

Roxie:
So, that's it, huh Fred?
Fred:
Yeah, I'm afraid so Roxie.
Roxie:
Oh, Fred...
Girls:
Oh, Fred...
Fred:
Yeah?
Roxie:
Nobody walks out on me.

(Roxie shoots him.)

Fred:
Sweetheart -
Roxie:
Oh, don't "sweetheart" me, you son-of-a-bitch!

(Roxie shoots him again. Fred dies.)

Company:
Hotcha!
Whoopee!
Jazz!
Roxie:
Oh, I gotta pee.

(Roxie exits.)

Velma:
No, I'm no one's wife
But, oh, I love my life
And All That Jazz!

Company:
That Jazz!




3.FUNNY HONNY

ANNOUNCER:
For her first number, Miss Roxie Hart would like to sing a song
of love and devotion dedicated to her dear husband Amos.

FUNNY HONEY
Roxie:
Sometimes I'm right
Sometimes I'm wrong
But he doesn't care
He'll string along
He loves me so
That funny honey of mine!

Sometimes I'm down
Sometimes I'm up
But he follows 'round
Like some droopy-eyed pup
He loves me so
That funny honey of mine!

He ain't no sheik
That's no great physique
Lord knows he ain't got the smarts

Oh, but look at that soul
I tell you, that whole
Is a whole lot greater
Than the sum of his parts

And if you knew him like me
I know you'd agree
What if the world
Slander my name?
Why, he'd be right there
Taking the blame

He loves me so
And it all suits me fine
That funny, sunny, honey
Hubby of mine!

Amos:
A man's got the right to protect his home and his loved ones, right?
Fogarty:
Of course, he has!
Amos:
Well, I come in from the garage, Officer, and I see him coming
through the window. With my wife Roxanne there, sleepin'...
Like an angel...

Roxie: Amos:
He loves me so ...an angel!
That funny honey of mine!

Amos:
I mean supposin', just supposin', he had violated her or somethin'...you
know what I mean...violated?

Fogarty:
I know what you mean...
Amos:
...or somethin'. Think how terrible that would have been. It's a good
thing I came home from work on time, I'm tellin' ya that! I say I'm
tellin' ya that!

Roxie:
He loves me so
That funny honey of mine!

Fogarty:
Name of deceased...Fred Casely.
Amos:
Fred Casely. How could he be a burglar? My wife knows him!
He sold us our furniture!

Roxie:
Lord knows he ain't got the smarts

Amos:
She lied to me. She told me he was a burglar.
Fogarty:
You mean he was dead when you got home?
Amos:
She had him covered with a sheet and she's givin' me that cock
and a bull story about this burglar, and I ought to say I did
it 'cause I was sure to get off. Burglar, huh!

Roxie: Amos:
Now, he shot off his trap And I believed her!
That cheap little tramp. So, she
I can't stand that sap was two-timing me, huh?
Well, then, she can just
swing for all I care.
Look at him go Boy, I'm down at the garage,
Rattin' on me working my butt off fourteen
With just one more brain hours a day and she's up there
What half-wit he'd be munchin' on God-damn bon-bons
and jazzing. This time she
If they string me up pushed me too far.
I'll know who That little chiseler.
Brought the twine Boy, what a sap I was!

That scummy, crummy
Dummy hubby of mine

ANNOUNCER:
And now the six merry murderesses of the Cook County Jail in their
rendition of the "Cell Block Tango."


4.CELL BLOCK TANGO

Liz:
Pop.

Annie:
Six.

June:
Squish.

Hunyak:
Uh-Uh.

Velma:
Cicero.

Mona:
Lipschitz!

Liz:
Pop.

Annie:
Six.

June:
Squish.

Hunyak:
Uh-Uh.

Velma:
Cicero.

Mona:
Lipschitz!

Liz:
Pop.

Annie:
Six.

June:
Squish.

Hunyak:
Uh-Uh.

Velma:
Cicero.

Mona:
Lipschitz!

Liz:
Pop.

Annie:
Six.

June:
Squish.

Hunyak:
Uh-Uh.

Velma:
Cicero.

Mona:
Lipschitz!

All:
He had it coming
He had it coming
He only had himself to blame.
If you'd have been there
If you'd have seen it

Velma:
I betcha you would have done the same!

Liz:
Pop.

Annie:
Six.

June:
Squish.

Hunyak:
Uh-Uh.

Velma:
Cicero.

Mona:
Lipschitz!

Liz:
Pop.

Annie:
Six.

June:
Squish.

Hunyak:
Uh-Uh.

Velma:
Cicero.

Mona:
Lipschitz!

All:
He had it coming
He had it coming
He only had himself to blame.
If you'd have been there
If you'd have seen it

Velma:
I betcha you would have done the same!

Liz:
Pop.

Annie:
Six.

June:
Squish.

Hunyak:
Uh-Uh.

Velma:
Cicero.

Mona:
Lipschitz!

Liz: Girls:
You know how people He had it coming
have these little habits that He had it coming
get you down. Like Bernie. He only had himself to blame.
Bernie liked to chew gum.
No, not chew. Pop. Well, I If you'd have been there
came home this one day and If you'd have seen it
I am really irritated, and I betcha you would
looking for a little sympathy Have done the same!
and there's Bernie layin' on He had it coming
the couch, drinkin' a beer and He had it coming
chewin'. No, not chewin'. He only had himself to blame.
Popin'. So, I said to him, I If you'd have been there
said, "Bernie, you pop that If you'd have seen it
gum one more time..." I betcha you would
And he did! Have done the same!

Liz:
So I took the shotgun off the wall
and fired two warning shots...
...into his head.

All:
He had it coming
He had it coming
He only had himself to blame.
If you'd have been there
If you'd have heard it
I betcha you would
Have done the same!

Liz: Girls:
I met Ezekiel Young from He had it coming
Salt Lake City about two years ago He had it coming
and he told me he was single He only had himself
and we hit it off right away. To blame.
So, we started living together. If you'd have been there
He'd go to work, he'd come work, I'd mix If you'd have seen it
Him a drink, we'd have dinner. Well, it was I betcha you would
like heaven in two and a half rooms. Have done the same!
And then I found out, He had it coming
"Single" he told me? He had it coming
Single, my ass. Not only was he married. He only had himself
...oh, no, he had six wives. To blame.
One of those Mormons, If you'd have been there
you know. So that night when If you'd have seen it
he came home. I mixed him I betcha you would
his drink as usual. Have done the same!

Annie:
You know, some guys just can't hold their arsenic!

Liz, Annie, June, Mona: Velma & Hunyak:
Hah! He had it coming Pop, Six, Squish, Uh-Uh,
He had it coming Cicero, Lipschitz!
He took a flower
In its prime
And the he used it Pop, Six, Squish, Uh-Uh,
And he abused it Cicero, Lipschitz!
It was a murder
But not a crime!

June: Girls:
Now, I'm standing in the kitchen Pop, Six,
carvin' up the chicken for dinner, Squish, Uh-Uh,
minding my own business, Cicero, Lipschitz!
and in storms my husband Wilbur, Pop, Six,
in a jealous rage. Squish, Uh-Uh,
"You been screwin' the milkman," Cicero, Lipschitz!
he says. He was crazy Pop, Six,
and he kept on screamin' Squish, Uh-Uh,
"You been screwin' the milkman," Cicero, Lipschitz!

June:
And then he ran into my knife! He ran into my knife TEN TIMES!

All:
If you'd have been there
If you'd have seen it
I betcha you would have done the same!

Hunyak:
Mit keresek, enn itt? Azt mondjok, hogy lakem lefogta a ferjemet
en meg lecsaptam a fejet. De nem igaz, en artatlan vagyok. Nem
tudom mert mondja Uncle Sam hogy en tetten. Probaltam a rendorsegen
megmagyarazni de nem ertettek meg...

June:
Yeah, but did you do it?
Hanyak:
UH UH, not guilty!

Velma: Girls:
My sister, Veronica, and I did this double act He had it coming
and my husband, Charlie, used to travel He had it coming
round with us. Now for the last number in He only had
our act, we did these 20 acrobatic tricks in a Himself
row, one, two, three, four, five... To blame.
Splits, spread eagles, back flips, flip flops, If you'd have been there
one right after the other. Well, this one night If you'd have seen it
we are in Cicero, the three of us, sittin' up I betcha
in a hotel room, boozin' and havin' a few You would
laughs and we ran out of ice, Have done
so I went out to get some. The same!
I come back, open the door He had
And there's Veronica and It coming
Charlie doing Number Seventeen He had
-the spread eagle. It coming...

Velma:
Well, I was in such a state of shock, I completely blacked out.
I can't remember a thing. It wasn't until later, when I was
washing the blood off my hands I even knew they were dead.

Girls:
They had it coming
They had it coming
They had it coming all along.
I didn't do it
But if I'd done it
How could you tell me that I was wrong?

Velma: Girls:
They had it coming
They had it coming
They had it coming
They had it coming
They had it coming
They took a flower
All along
In its prime
I didn't do it
And then they used it
But if I'd done it
And they abused it
How could you tell me
It was a murder
That I was wrong? But not a crime!

Mona: Girls:
I love Alvin Lipschitz He had it coming
More than I can possibly say. He had it coming
He was a real artistic guy... He only had
Sensitive...a painter. Himself t
But he was troubled. To blame.
He was always trying If you'd have been
to find himself. There
He'd go out every night If you'd have seen it
looking for himself I betcha
and along the way You would
he found Ruth, Have done
Gladys, The same!
Rosemary and Irving.

Mona:
I guess you can say we broke up because of artistic differences.
He saw himself as alive and I saw him dead.

All:
The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum
The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum

Liz, Annie, Mona: Velma, June, Hunyak:
They had it comin'
They had it comin'
They had it comin'
They had it comin'
They had it comin'
They had it comin'
All along
All along
'Cause if they used us
'Cause if they used us
And they abused us
And they abused us
How could you tell us
How could you tell us
That we were wrong?
That we were wrong?

Velma, June, Hunyak:
He had it coming
He had it coming
He only had
Himself
To blame.
If you'd have been there
If you'd have seen it
I betcha
You would
Have done
The same!

Liz:
You pop that gum one more time!

Annie:
Single my ass.

June:
Ten times!

Hunyak:
Miert csukott Uncle Sam bortonbe.

Velma:
Number Seventeen - the spread eagle.

Mona:
Artistic differences.

All:
I betcha you would have done the same!

ANNOUNCER:
And now, Ladies and Gentlemen - the Keeper of the Keys, the
Countess of the Clink, the Mistress of Murder's row - Matron
"Mama" Morton!