12. My Girlfriend, Who Lives In Canada

ROD
Ohhhhh.....
I wish you could meet my
girlfriend, my girlfriend
who lives in Canada.
She couldn't be sweeter,
I wish you could meet her,
my girlfriend who lives
in Canada!

Her name is Alberta,
she lives in Vancouver.
She cooks like my mother
and sucks like a hoover.

I e-mail her every single
day, just to make sure
that everything's okay.
It's a pity she lives so
far away, in Canada!

Laaaaaast week she was
here, but she had the flu.
Too baaaaaad
'cause I wanted to introduce her to you.
It's so saaaaaaaaad --
There wasn't a thing that she could do
but stay in bed,
with her legs up over her head!
Oh!

I wish you could meet
my girlfriend,
but you can't,
because she is in Canada.
I love her, I miss her,
I can't wait to kiss her,
so soon I'll be off to Alberta!
I mean Vancouver!
Shit! Her name is Alberta,
she lives in Vancou--

She's my girlfriend!
My wonderful girlfriend!
Yes, I have a girlfriend,
who lives in Canada!!

(spoken)

And I can't wait to eat her pussy again!




13. There's a Fine, Fine Line

KATE MONSTER
There's a fine, fine line
between a lover, and a friend.
There's a fine, fine line
between reality, and pretend;
And you never know 'til you reach the top
if it was worth the uphill climb.

There's a fine, fine line
between love,
and a waste of time

There's a fine, fine line
between a fairy tale, and a lie.
And there's a fine, fine line
between "you're wonderful" and "goodbye".
I guess if someone doesn't love you back
it isn't such a crime

But there's a fine, fine line
between love,
and a waste of your time

And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore.
I don't think that you even know what you're looking for.
For my own sanity I've got to close the door
And walk away...
Oh...

There's a fine, fine line
between together,
and not.
And there's a fine, fine line
between what you wanted,
and what you got.
You gotta go after the things you want
while you're still in your prime.

There's a fine, fine line
between love,
and a waste of time.

ACT TWO

14. There is Life Outside Your Apartment

(spoken)

BRIAN
Princeton!

PRINCETON
Yeah.

BRIAN
Listen, buddy, nobody's seen ya for two weeks. What's up with that?

PRINCETON
I went to work for a temp agency, and they fired me for being too
depressing on teh phone. I maxed out my cards. I'm two months
behind in rent. I totally messed up my personal life. Oh, and Brian --
I still haven't found my purpose!

BRIAN
All right. Get off your ass and stop worrying! Everyone's getting
together to mess around the city today.

PRINCETON
Have fun.

BRIAN
When I say "everyone", that includes you!

(sung)

There is life outside your apartment
I know it's hard to conceive,
but there's life outside your apartment,
and you're only gonna see it if you leave.
There is cool shit to do,
but it can't come to you.
And who knows, dude,
you might even score!
There is life outside your apartment,
but you've got to open the door!

(spoken)

PRINCETON
No, thanks, I'm staying in.

BRIAN
Don't tell me I gotta force you.

PRINCETON
Sorry!

BRIAN
All right everyone! He's resisting!

(Christmas Eve, Trekkie Monster, Gary and Nicky pick Princeton
up and drag him outside)

(sung)

ALL BUT PRINCETON
There is life outside...
there is life outside...
there is life outside...
there is life outside...
your apartment!
There's a pigeon squashed on the street.

CHRISTMAS EVE
Eww.

BRIAN
There's a girl passing by

NICKY
No, I think it's a guy

ALL BUT PRINCETON
And a homeless man who only wants
to buy something to eat!
Sorry! Can't help you!

(they enter the subway)

ALL BUT PRINCETON
We could go to the zoo!

TREKKIE MONSTER
Pick up girls at NYU!

BRIAN
We could sit in the park smoking pot!

CHRISTMAS EVE
Or not!

ALL BUT PRINCETON
There is life outside your apartment

PRINCETON
Well, I guess I'll give it a shot!

(*gunshot*, everyone screams and runs)

ALL
There is life outside your apartment
I know --

(*loud jackhammer* -- they cover their ears and swear)

There is life outside your apartment

(they look up in horror)

OFFSTAGE VOICE
I'm gonna jump!

ALL
Don't do it!

OFFSTAGE VOICE
Okay!

ALL
There is cool shit to do
but it can't come to you
So come on --

(*car screeches to a halt*)

OFFSTAGE VOICE
Get out of the way asshole!

PRINCETON
Fuck you!

ALL
There is life outside your apartment!
Oh, you never know what's around the bend.
You could win the lotto or make a friend...

(Lucy enters, the guys eye her and turn to Princeton)

GUYS
Take her home to see your apartment...

LUCY
Do you wanna feel special?

GUYS
Special!

LUCY
I can see that you do.

GUYS
Ooooh-wah!

LUCY
Well, I can make you feel... special
if you let me feel you.

GUYS
She'll feel you!

LUCY
Where's your pad?

PRINCETON
Not too far!

GUYS
We could call you a car!

PRINCETON
We'll be fine, thank you! See ya!

CHRISTMAS EVE
Hope you don't get gonorrhea!

ALL
There's life outside your apartment...

PRINCETON AND LUCY
But now it's time to go home!

GROUP
There is life outside your apartment...

PRINCETON
It's time to go home!

GROUP
There is life outside your apartment...

LUCY
I can make you feel special...

GROUP
There is life outside your apartment...

ALL
But now it's time to go home

TREKKIE MONSTER
For porn!




15. The More You Ruv Someone

(spoken)

KATE MONSTER
Why can't people get along and love each other, Christmas Eve?

CHRISTMAS EVE
You think getting along same as loving? Sometimes love
right where you hating most, Kate Monster.

KATE MONSTER
Huh?

(sung)

CHRISTMAS EVE
The more you love someone,
the more you want to kill 'em.
The more you love someone
the more he make you cry.

Though you are try
for making peace
with them and loving,
that's why you love
so strong you like to
make him die!

The more you love someone
the more he make you crazy.
The more you love someone
the more you wishing him dead!

Sometime you look at
him and only see fat and lazy.
And wanting baseball bat
for hitting him on his head!

Love...

KATE MONSTER
Love...

CHRISTMAS EVE
And hate...

KATE MONSTER
And hate...

CHRISTMAS EVE
They like two brothers...

KATE MONSTER
Brothers...

CHRISTMAS EVE
Who go on a date.

KATE MONSTER
Who... what?

CHRISTMAS EVE
Where one of them goes,
other one follows.
You inviting love
he also bringing sorrows.

KATE MONSTER
Ah, yes.

CHRISTMAS EVE
The more you love someone,
the more you want to kill 'em.
Loving and killing
fit like hand in glove!

So if there someone
you are wanting
so to kill 'em,
you go and find him,
and you get him,
and you no kill him,
cause chances good...

CHRISTMAS EVE AND KATE MONSTER
He is your love.




16. Schadenfreude

GARY COLEMAN
Right now you are
down and out and
feeling really crappy

NICKY
I'll say.

GARY COLEMAN
And when I see how
sad you are
it sort of makes me...
happy!

NICKY
Happy?!

GARY COLEMAN
Sorry, Nicky, human nature --
nothing I can do!
It's...
schadenfreude!
Making me feel glad
that I'm not you!

(spoken)

NICKY
Well that's not very nice, Gary!

GARY COLEMAN
I didn't say it was nice! But everybody does it!

(sung)

D'ja ever clap when a
waitress falls and drops
a tray of glasses?

NICKY
Yeah...

GARY COLEMAN
And it ain't it fun to
watch figure skaters
falling down on their asses?

NICKY
Sure!

GARY COLEMAN
And don'tcha feel all
warm and cozy,
watching people
out in the rain!

NICKY
You bet!

GARY COLEMAN
That's...

GARY AND NICKY
Schadenfreude!

GARY COLEMAN
People taking pleasure in your pain!

(spoken)

NICKY
Oh, schadenfreude, huh? What's that, some kinda Nazi word?

GARY COLEMAN
Yup! It's German for "happiness at the misfortune of others!"

NICKY
"Happiness at the misfortune of others." That IS German!

(sung)

Watching a vegetarian
being told she just
ate chicken

GARY COLEMAN
Or watching a
frat boy realize
just what he put his dick in!

NICKY
Being on an elevator
when somebody shouts
"Hold the door!"

GARY AND NICKY
"NO!"
Schadenfreude!

GARY COLEMAN
"Fuck you lady, that's what stairs are for!"

NICKY
Oooh, how about...
Straight-A students getting Bs?

GARY COLEMAN
Exes getting STDs!

NICKY
Waking doormen from their naps!

GARY COLEMAN
Watching tourists reading maps!

NICKY
Football players getting tackled!

GARY COLEMAN
CEOs getting shackled!

NICKY
Watching actors never reach

GARY AND NICKY
The ending of their Oscar speech!
Schadenfreude!
Schadenfreude!
Schadenfreude!
Schadenfreude!

GARY COLEMAN
The world needs people like you and me
who've been knocked around by fate.
'Cause when people see us,
they don't want to be us,
and that makes them feel great.

NICKY
Sure! We provide a vital service to society!

GARY AND NICKY
You and me! Schadenfreude!
Making the world a better place...
Making the world a better place...
Making the world a better place...
to be!

GARY COLEMAN
S-C-H-A-D-E-N-F-R-E-U-D-E!





17. I Wish I Could Go Back to College

(Kate is on the observation deck of the Empire State Building)

KATE MONSTER
I wish I could go back to college.
Life was so simple back then.

(Nicky appears on a dark corner, shivering)

NICKY
What would I give to go back and live
in a dorm with a meal plan again!

(Nicky and Kate sigh. Lights rise on Princeton, at the hospital,
sitting next to Lucy's bed)

PRINCETON
I wish I could go back to college.
In college you know who you are.
You sit in the quad
and think, "Oh my God!
I am totally gonna go far!"

ALL
How do I go back to college?
I don't know who I am anymore!

PRINCETON
I wanna go back to my room and find
a message in dry-erase pen on the door!
Ohhh...
I wish I could just drop a class...

NICKY
Or get into a play...

KATE MONSTER
Or change my major...

PRINCETON
Or fuck my T.A.

ALL
I need an academic advisor to point the way!
We could be...

Sitting in the computer lab,
4 a.m. before the final paper is due,
cursing the world 'cause I didn't start sooner,
and seeing the rest of the class there, too!

PRINCETON
I wish I could go back to college!

ALL
How do I go back to college?!
Ahhhhhhh....

PRINCETON
I wish I had taken more pictures.

NICKY
But if I were to go back to college,
think what a loser I'd be --
I'd walk through the quad, and think
"Oh my God..."

ALL
"These kids are so much younger than me."





18. The Money Song

(spoken)

NICKY
Help the homeless!
Help the homeless!--
Oooh! Hey Princeton!

(sung)

Give me a quarter!
Here in my hat!
Come on, Princeton,
it's as easy as that!
Helping others brings
you closer to God,
so give me a quarter...

PRINCETON
I don't have any change.

NICKY
Hmmm.
Okay, give me a dollar.

PRINCETON
That's not what I meant.

NICKY
Give me a five!

PRINCETON
Are you kidding?

NICKY
The more you give
the more you get.
That's being alive!
All I'm asking you
is to do what Jesus Christ
would do:
He'd give me a quarter --
why don't you?

(spoken)

PRINCETON
All right, all right, here you go.

(he puts money in Nicky's hat)

NICKY
Ahh, thanks!

PRINCETON
Take care. Whoa!

NICKY
What's the matter?

PRINCETON
I feel -- generous!
I feel -- compassionate!

NICKY
You do?

PRINCETON
Yeah! I feel like a new person -- a good person!
Helping other people out makes you feel fantastic!

NICKY
That's what I've been trying to tell you --

PRINCETON
All this time I've been running around thinking about
me, me, me -- and where has it gotten me!
I'm gonna do something for someone else!

NICKY
Me?

PRINCETON
No -- Kate! I'm going to raise the money to build that stupid
Monster School she's always talking about!

(sung)

Give me your money!

NICKY
What?!

PRINCETON
I need it for Kate!

NICKY
I need it to eat!

PRINCETON
Come on, Nicky!

NICKY
Aww, get lost!

PRINCETON
It'll make you feel great!

NICKY
So would a burger!

PRINCETON
When her dream comes true,
it'll all be partly
thanks to you, so
give me your money!

NICKY
I'd like to, but I can't!

PRINCETON
Give me your money!

NICKY
I'd like to, but I need it!

PRINCETON
Give me your money!

NICKY
I'd like to, but I'm homeless!
I can't! I need it! I'm homeless!
I can't! I need it! I'm homeless!
I can't! I need it! I'm homeless!

(Princeton slaps Nicky)

NICKY
Okay, here ya go.

PRINCETON
Thank you!

NICKY
Suddenly, I am feeling
closer to God.
It's time to stop begging!
It's time to start giving!
What can I give to Rod?

Something he'll like so much he'll take me back.
Ooh, I know! I'll find him a boyfriend!

PRINCETON
That's the spirit!

PRINCETON AND NICKY
When you help others,
you can't help helping yourself!
When you can't help others,
you can't help helping yourself!

(spoken)

GARY COLEMAN
Hey boys, what's the hat for?

NICKY
Ooh, we're collecting money!

PRINCETON
It's for Kate! We're raising money to build her dream school!

(sung)

Give us your money!

NICKY
You'll be glad that you did!

GARY COLEMAN
That's just what my parents
told me when I was a kid!
Shit!

NICKY
But giving feels so great...

GARY COLEMAN
And I bet it wouldn't hurt your chances with Kate.

PRINCETON
Well, that too.

GARY COLEMAN
I'll give you a dollar.

PRINCETON
You're a gentleman and a scholar!

(spoken)

CHRISTMAS EVE
We so happy! We just exchange all your wedding gifts for cash!

BRIAN
Honey, don't tell them that!

CHRISTMAS EVE
We get about two thousand bucks!

BRIAN
Uh, yeah. So -- thanks, everybody!

CHRISTMAS EVE
We rich!

(sung)

PRINCETON
Give us your money!

NICKY
Give us your money!

GARY COLEMAN
Give us your goddamned money!

PRINCETON
Give us the dough!

GARY AND NICKY
Give us the dough!

PRINCETON, GARY AND NICKY
We're raising money for
a monster school,
but we've got a ways to go!

PRINCETON
Sounds like you've got
money to burn...

NICKY
And it's not like money that
you had to earn...

PRINCETON, GARY AND NICKY
So give us your money --

(spoken)

CHRISTMAS EVE
A Monster School?

BRIAN
Sounds like a good cause.

CHRISTMAS EVE
Give me your wallet.

PRINCETON
Oh my gosh! I don't know how to thank you guys.
I mean, Kate will be so grateful... that kind of money
is such a great start...

(she hands Gary some cash)

GARY COLEMAN
Yeah! Fifteen dollars!

PRINCETON
Fifteen dollars?

CHRISTMAS EVE
Every little bit help!

NICKY
Looks like we're gonna have to ask MORE people!

(they turn to the audience and pass the hate)

(sung)

ALL
Hey!
Give us your money!
All that you've got!
Just fork it on over...

GARY COLEMAN
Or some puppets will get shot!

PRINCETON
Hey!

ALL
It's time to pass the hat

GARY COLEMAN
And there' snothing you can do 'bout that.

ALL
So
Give us your money!
Give us your money!
Give us your money!
When you help others,
you can't help helping yourself!
When you help others,
you can't help helping yourself!
Every time you do good deeds
you're also serving your own needs.
When you help others,
you're really helping yourself!
When you give to a worthy cause,
you'll feel as jolly as Santa Claus.
When you help others,
you can't help helping yourself!




19. School For Monsters/ The Money Song reprise

(Princeton counts the money).

(spoken)

CHRISTMAS
How much do we get?

PRINCETON
Boy, it's not very much at all, is it?

BRIAN
Never say never, Princeton,
there's still one more person
we have to hit up!

(Trekkie pops out of his window)

TREKKIE MONSTER
No! No! No! Go away. Me busy.

CHRISTMAS EVE
But it for good cause!

TREKKIE MONSTER
What in it for me? Go away!

PRINCETON
I guess Kate'll never get her school for Monsters.

TREKKIE MONSTER
What you say?

BRIAN
Kate wants to open a school for Monsters.

TREKKIE MONSTER
School for Monsters? Me never hear of that!

(sung)

School for Monsters!
School for lonely little Monsters!
When me little,
going to school,
other children
think me not cool,
poking and pulling
at me fur...
Now we have therapist,
and work on this with her.
But me no need me therapy
if Monster School a reality!

(spoken)

Here! Me give you ten million dollars!

PRINCETON
Trekkie! Where did you get all that money?!

TREKKIE MONSTER
In volatile market, only stable investment is porn!

(sung)

ALL
When you help others,
you can't help helping yourself!
When you help others,
you can't help helping yourself!
Every time you do
good deeds,
you're also serving your
own needs!
When you help others,
you can't help helping yourself!





20. There's a Fine, Fine Line / What Do You Do With a B.A. in English
Reprise

(spoken)

KATE MONSTER
(looking at her building)
The Monsterssori School. I don't even know where to start!

CHRISTMAS EVE
Do you know who get idea and collect all the money
and buy building for you?

KATE MONSTER
Was it you?

CHRISTMAS EVE
No. It Princeton.

KATE MONSTER
Princeton? For me?

PRINCETON
You said you couldn't make you dreams come true by yourself,
so I shot for the stars.

(sung)

You've got to go after
the things you want
while you're still in
your prime...

KATE MONSTER
There's a fine, fine line
between
love...

(spoken)

Thank you, Princeton.

PRINCETON
So will you take me back, Kate?

KATE MONSTER
I'll be so busy now, with all of the contractors, and
inspections, and hiring teachers and choosing textbooks...

PRINCETON
Well, I could help you.

KATE MONSTER
Can we take it one day at a time?


(Gary hangs up the "For Rent" sign. A young optimistic-looking puppet
appears)

NEWCOMER
What do you do
with a B.A. in English?
Oh, look! A "For Rent" sign!
Oh my God!
You're Gary Coleman!

GARY COLEMAN
Yes I am!

NEWCOMER
Say, can you tell me where to find the super?

GARY COLEMAN
I am the super.

NEWCOMER
Well, listen -- I wanna ask you about the apartment for rent?

GARY COLEMAN
Oh, sure!

PRINCETON
Wait a minute!
Wait a minute! That's it!

KATE MONSTER
What?

PRINCETON
My PURPOSE!
Look at this kid, here, all fresh-faced and new and not knowing anything!
He has no idea what he's in for! He thinks the hard part's over, but it's
not!
And maybe he needs a little help! Maybe my purpose is to take
everything I'm learning and put it -- put it into a show!

BRIAN
Are you high?

NEWCOMER
And I'm not some young kid who doesn't know anything. Fuck you!




21. For Now

PRINCETON
Why does everything have to be so hard?

GARY COLEMAN
Maybe you'll never find your purpose.

CHRISTMAS EVE
Lots of people don't.

PRINCETON
But then -- I don't know why I'm even alive!

KATE MONSTER
Well, who does, really?

(sung)

Everyone's a little bit unsatisfied.

BRIAN
Everyone goes 'round a little empty inside.

GARY COLEMAN
Take a breath, look around.

BRIAN
Swallow your pride.

KATE MONSTER
For now...

BRIAN, KATE, GARY AND CHRISTMAS EVE
For now...

NICKY
Nothing lasts,

ROD
Life goes on.

NICKY
Full of surprises.

ROD
You'll be faced
with problems
of all shapes and sizes.

CHRISTMAS EVE
You're going to have
to make a few
compromises...
for now...

ALL
But only for now! (for now)
Only for now! (for now)
Only for now! (for now)
Only for now!

LUCY
For now we're healthy.

BRIAN
For now we're employed.

BAD IDEA BEARS
For now we're happy...

KATE MONSTER
If not overjoyed.

PRINCETON
And we'll accept the things
we cannot avoid, for now...

GARY COLEMAN
For now...

TREKKIE MONSTER
For now...

KATE MONSTER
For now...

ALL
But only for now! (for now)
Only for now! (for now)
Only for now! (for now)
Only for now!

Only for now!
(For now there's life!)
Only for now!
(For now there's love!)
Only for now!
(For now there's work!)
For now there's happiness!
But only for now!
(For now discomfort!)
Only for now!
(For now there's friendship!)
Only for now (for now)
Only for now!

Only for now! (Sex!)
Is only for now! (Your hair!)
Is only for now! (George Bush!)
Is only for now!

Don't stress,
relax,
let life roll off
your backs
except for death
and paying taxes
everything in life is
only for now!

NICKY
Each time you smile...

ALL
... Only for now

KATE MONSTER
It'll only last a while.

ALL
... Only for now

PRINCETON
Life may be scary...

ALL
... Only for now
But it's only temporary.

Ba-dum ba-dum,
ba-dum ba-dum
ba-dum ba-dum
ba-da da da da
ba-da da-da da da-da
ba-dum ba-da, ba-dum
ba-da, oooooh --

PRINCETON
Everything in life is only for now.